Dear God,

I decided against my family’s will in order to pursue the satisfying life of playing jazz on the streets of Venice Beach.  While I can now claim to being completely independent (my family has since disowned me), one of the unfortunate consequences of the decision is that I no longer have a home.  I effectively traded in a stable future for homelessness, and for what?  Jazz?  God damnit.

Sincerely,
Jazzed out in LA

Dear Jizzed,

There’s something you must do.  Listen carefully.

Okay, so I don’t quite know how to respond to your letter because, frankly, you didn’t address anything to Me, specifically.  Most people ask a question, give thanks, or something.  But you just trailed off there, buddy.  What do you want me to do?  I’m fed up with this.

However, I hate giving up on somebody so quickly, so here’s what I’ll do.  First of all, there’s no reason you shouldn’t have a home, so I’m going to secretly influence the passers-by to give you change in pity.  Eventually, you’ll have enough quarters to buy what I call a “shack in the wilderness of LA,” which really isn’t much, but you shouldn’t expect much.  Since I am God, you can expect a reliable, however impoverished, income from Me.  Please talk to “Jack”; he’ll help you get a head start.

Thanks for the… whatever.  It’s been a pleasure working with you.

God

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Dear God,

I don’t have a soul.  At least, that’s what my employees tell me.  I just can’t quench my hunger for financially screwing others.  Please, God, help quell my disgusting avarice.

Sincerely,
CEO John of LA

Dear Jack,

This is perfect!  Listen carefully.

There’s a guy who is playing “jazz” on the streets of Venice Beach.  I recently promised him some change to help him along his way to the Lord.  However, that shouldn’t stop you from robbing him of what little I will give him, namely, hope.  I suggest that you temporarily move him into one of your many penthouse suites (you aren’t fooling anyone; I know you have them) and encourage him to anticipate a cushy lifestyle.  Even promise him a record deal; I just love broken promises.  Then, just as his hopes run highest, push him out back on the streets.

I can then guarantee your entrance into Heaven as an added bonus, trust Me.

Thanks for the request.  It’s been a pleasure working with both of you.

God

Comments

"Main Heading" Written by Guest on 2004-05-28 08:29:22 This is naughty and inappropriate.    Please elaborate on the "...guarantee your entrance into Heaven..."    Isn't there a requiement for a trophy wife in order to get into heaven?

I forgot to say this in my last post Written by Guest on 2004-05-28 10:05:43 There can be no moral structure without God.

Re: Main Heading Written by Guest on 2004-05-28 11:51:59 I believe that God's implication is that CEO John (or Jack) won't be guaranteed entrance into Heaven becauase He precedes his promise with the statement, "I just love broken promises." At least, I think that's what He meant. God works in mysterious ways...

Written by Guest on 2004-06-05 06:11:46 That makes me want to cry and vomit at the same time!!    Well, the second one.

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