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Campaign Advisors Fear Kerry May Go Insane by End of September

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As polls have painted gloomier and gloomier pictures of Kerry’s presidential prospects, those around him fear that he is exhibiting more and more inexplicable behaviors. Many fear that if the polls don’t brighten in the next two weeks, they may lose Kerry for good.

In a recent interview with Barbara Walters at the Kerry ranch in Massachusettes, Teresa Heinz Kerry struggled to maintain a coherent conversation as her husband pranced wildly in the background. “Barbara, let me tell you something about my husband,” the prospective First-Lady began. “He is an honorable, dedicated… oh what is he up to now?” Teresa Heinz was interrupted with strange gurgling noises coming from behind, but she knew very well what was going on. “Barbara, you’re just going to have to forgive him for this,” Heinz alluded to her husbands childish prancing, and excused him by saying, “It’s just a phase, I think.”

In a speech given to university students at Ohio State University, advisors were humiliated to discover that Kerry couldn’t even complete a sentence without a strange Tourette's-syndrome-esque outburst of expletives. While many regarded his speech as intelligent and well researched—Kerry staff-members observed that he had stayed awake 48 hours beforehand ensuring the accuracy of his statements—all attendants agreed that screaming “Mmmprgafuckit!” every few seconds distracted them from the profundity of his statements. “I just don’t know what’s up with him,” admitted political science major Joshua Ropental.

The trend is scary, advisors admit. Karl Rove, for instance, recalls suggesting to Kerry that he create an iconic stance to really instill him into the minds of the public. He admits, however, that Kerry’s enthusiastic response was ultimately misdirected. “I didn’t expect he’d pick somethings so… gay,” he confided to a Democratic. "I mean, I don't have anything against gays, it's just that, well, a Presidential candidate probably shouldn't be so flamboyant, you know?" In fact, since Kerry has initiated his Stronger America Pose, polls have starkly plummeted. Pennsylvanian democrat Lisa Creed told pollsters, “The whole dropping his fist in the air thing… I just don’t get it. Is that supposed to symbolize strength? Why does he pucker his lips like that?” Rove has also admitted that Kerry makes things worse by demanding attention from the media when he plans to flaunt his poorly-chosen pose: “I know I told him to do it, but he’s really taking it too far. Really.”

A recent public landing at the Akron-Canton Airport on his personal jet left left no-one guessing that Kerry has lost his grip on reality. After descending from the plane in royal fair, he screamed, “Oh shit! There’s a baby!” at which point he hurled himself into the air to catch a baby that, he claims, was falling from the sky. However, several cameras that observed the footage have shown that there was no aviary infant. Three advisors quit that fateful Saturday afternoon, among them Christina Slauson. She admitted to reporters, “Kerry hasn’t been taking any of my advice, and I certainly don’t see why not. This is just insane; I can’t take it anymore.”

The Kerry campaign has defended Kerry by pointing to his war record. JohnKerry.com points out that, while “[s]ome people say Kerry’s acting somewhat irrationally, but who can blame him? How can anyone maintain their sanity when the President conducts a war and economic policy that confounds all reason?”

Comments

hmmm Written by Guest on 2004-09-28 09:10:30 I would've expected at least someone to have a response to this article. What gives? Is Kerry not insane enough for ya?

Funny Written by Guest on 2004-09-28 15:32:06 Extremely funny

Written by Guest on 2004-09-28 20:26:54 That's more like it.

Written by Guest on 2004-10-17 19:45:53 not insane-- stupid

WTF Written by Guest on 2004-11-02 04:51:12 This is insanely stupid. Kerry is Loosing it how in the world could he handle an attack on USA

Vote Written by Guest on 2004-11-02 04:52:25 Dont Vote For Kerry he is Nuts

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