(Keep it calm—be measured, grave, and pissed. If possible, make speech clipped and tart. Leave slight pauses, but no room for interruption.)

My order number is P5642573.

Listen, Nevelle--I've been waiting on a lamp I ordered from your catalog for almost two weeks now, so I hope you understand my growing impatience. If you don’t, allow me to acquaint you with the numerous frustrations I’ve encountered thus far in dealing with your company.

First, my previous account executive had me register a different address on my credit card--for shipping purposes, she said--when I didn't really need to.

Then, she didn't tell me that the lamp I had previously ordered was out of stock until I called her after a week to see what was up.

Finally, I found when I went to “Check Status” at potterybarn.com that you didn't copy the shipping address, which is different from the billing address, to the new order.

I needn’t remind you that it said on your web site that the lamp would ship within 48 hours. By my count, it’s been 338. (Enunciate.) Three hundred and thirty-eight hours. So, Nevelle, here's what I want you to do. (Viciously.) I hope it isn't too much. (Triumphantly.) I want you to ship it for $44—now, that's the UPS Ground rate—by Priority Mail. Or you can keep me with UPS Ground and ship it free. Sound good?

If he accepts: (Grateful tone, delighted banter—close conversation.)

If he refuses: (Barely contained rage) Please cancel my order and my account. (hang up)

THE END

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