This is the first part of a series of website reviews by the editors at happyembryo.com. Our criteria for deeming which websites are worthy of our time are the following: it is professionally done, and the content is asanine. These types of websites have become very popular as the internet's reach has increased to misinformed, wealthy people. We think it our duty to seek these websites out, and show why we are better.

This is the first part of a series of website reviews by the editors at happyembryo.com. Our criteria for deeming which websites are worthy of our time are the following: it is professionally done, and the content is asinine. These types of websites have become very popular as the internet's reach has increased to misinformed, wealthy people. We think it our duty to seek these websites out, and show why we are better.

Envision Success [insert picture of bald eagle flying over bucolic pond and town.

Envision Scott Abell [insert picture of middle-age guy in flannel looking mighty preist-like]

Meet Scott Abell. As we take it, Scott Abell is very success-oriented. He really likes to succeed, and we can understand why. Now, we have nothing against Mr. Abell; he seems like a perfectly nice fellow. What we don't understand, however, is why he felt compelled to pay money for a website to tell people that he likes to succeed. Most websites promote previous success, the promise of success, or information of some sort. But a website made simply to attribute cliches about success to a real estate agent? Frankly, we find that pompous.

Our favorite part of the website definitely has to be the splash page. As you read it, you have to wonder if it is describing a holy being:"the spirit that makes this country great," "the ability to envision practical solutions," and "an intense inner drive to make things happen," all of these are atributed to...Jesus? Ghandi? Al Gore? No, Scott Abell, God's gift to real estate in Stanislaus County. Awwgh.

Perhaps we are simply biased by greatness of our own website, but consider the headers in his biography:

Model For Success

Problem Solver

Lasting Impact

...and our favorite, Success Through Effort

Do these grandiose notions describe a mere mortal? What do they really mean, if anything? They seem to elicit the feeling of some very ill-defined idea of holiness. So we did some research, and have found that all of these headers are actually pulled from those inspirational posters you see all over cubicle walls, corporate hallways, and anywhere else someone might need to be reminded that their work can be reduced to a simple catch phrase and corbis photo. These posters are called "Successories". So we get it, Scott. You like success. Especially through effort.

It's nice to know, however, that Mr. Abell isn't only interested in success. Do you like eagles? Probably not as much as Scott likes eagle! In fact, eagles, apart from success, is all he ever talks about on his website. He even walks you through his home, allowing you to discovery his creepy obsession with literary precision:

The minute you walk into the comfortable home or office, you’ll notice it. The walls are adorned with intricate paintings. On various tables you’ll see carvings and statues. In another display case there are etchings, figurines and metal sculptures. Every piece in this extensive collection is focused on one important subject: the severed heads of children

Now here, we ventured to extrapolate where this paragraph would go if you didn't already know Mr. Abell's obsession. As you would expect, that one important subject was "the stately eagle". The kicker is that he brings up his eagle fetish specifically as a lead-in to his struggle to succeed. Because a bald eagle, as Scott puts it, is "backed by hard work."

So the editors at happyembryo.com had to ask: What if our website was designed by the people at scottabell.com? The answer we got was quite disturbing:

Envision Greatness. Envision Happy Embryo. For Happy Embryo, eagles are great. They do everything that mammals can't: they lay eggs, they have feathers, and they fly. Happy Embryo likes to fly too, and that's why Happy Embryo loves eagles. Happy Embryo has become known as a real eagle person, due to his easily digestable texture and juicy interior. Everyone in the eagle community acknowledges this, and that's why if you have a hungry nest to feed, Happy Embryo is the guy to call.

Honestly, we can't exhaust the banality of www.scottabell.com. We invite you to enjoy the website yourself and to discover how the most success-oriented people can sabotage themselves with the most vacuous websites.

Comments

Written by Guest on 2004-03-28 17:07:25 OH MY GOTH

Written by Guest on 2004-03-28 17:07:30 OH MY GOTH

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