John Wilson, the physics department head, told reporters, “We take these allegations seriously, and will look into the matter.”

	From the assistants' press kit

These suits follow several years of suspicious activity at the private university.  Five years ago, the dean of the university resigned when Reuters published an article about gay deans.  On his farewell speech, he mentioned, “Some say I’m resigning because of allegations that I’m gay.  Well, I’m not gay, but I’m leaving anyway.”  Even last year, several female students charged their professor with battery.  It was later discovered, however, that they only made the charge metaphorically; the “battery” referring to a curved grading scheme that “assaulted” their GPAs. 

But this time, the lab assistants assure reporters they aren’t trying to be cute.  “This is the real deal,” confirmed assistant Brian Grey.  They have even distributed a press kit to newspapers containing provocative photography of their sufferings, and are setting up a website to serve a video of their beatings.

At a recent conference wallpapered with the photographs of their trials, Grey told reporters, “This gross injustice just shows how little regard they have for their assistants.  Frankly it made and still makes me sick.  But like I said, the only place I could vomit my discontent was on myself, because they wouldn’t even give me a bucket.”

Some reporters aren’t convinced.  In an interview at Grey’s home, Nancy Wu from the Associated Press asked Grey how the photographs were taken if he was chained up at the same time.  When she looked up from her notebook, however, Grey had disappeared, leaving only the diminishing sound of a car engine shifting furiously.

The tax fraud charge has yet to go to trial.

Comments

sux Written by Guest on 2004-08-31 13:51:35 this sory is so dumb like honestly that guy culd get outta the chains so easily! u guys win the duh award!!u suk!

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