Friday, 26 March 2004
 A local parenthyl flower of the carbridginer family of flowering trees has been practically begging passers-by to smell, touch, and admire its beauty. Fellow flowers, however, would contend that such attention is unmerited.
"You just know he’s trying to make up for something,” suggested one offended flower, but couldn’t specify exactly was what it was, because flowers of the carbridginer family are hermaphroditic.
Some flowers also suggested that the flower is “queeny” in its unabashedly flamboyant cry for attention. This would not come as a surprise. Tulips have long been thought as the more conservative, effectively heterosexual flower akin to Will from Will & Grace. Marigolds and this self-absorbed flower are likened to Will’s antipode, the despicable Jack. “Ewwwww,” responded one passer-by at the notion, fearing his recent embracement of the flower indicative of a sub-conscious love for the sitcom character.
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People like Benjamin Montgomery the Fourth, who never leave their fluorescently lit cubicles, have never even seen a flower | The flower has been all the rage in Japan. Trading cards featuring pictures of the flower from different angles have been banned in schools to stave off a recent wave of violence and theft as demand for these cards has skyrocketed. Japanese flower shops have tried to imitate the flower, with some success. As one Japanese flower-shopper noted, “Before, people wanted nice, stately bouquets. But now this flower is ushering in a new wave of flowers demanding your constant attention. It’s like the tamagochi of the plant world. I gotta catch em all!” She then proceeded to awkwardly mix even more pop-culture references in trying to describe her love for Ben Affleck.
“You can understand his appeal,” noted one horticulturist. “With those pouty red petals, and long, slender pistols, who can resist?” She then proceeded to spoon a picture the flower that she keeps with her at all times, to the reporter’s disgust. Ugh.
Back in America response has been thankfully tepid. People like Benjamin Montgomery the Fourth enslaved into fluorescently lit workspaces don’t even see flowers like this one. When asked, Montgomery shrugged off reporters, pleading, “Please, let me get back to work,” as he intently observed a percentage bar creep along his computer screen.
Amidst various national responses, however, the biggest impact has been seen in the international flower community. As many as 1,000 emails have been sent to the flower’s address at me@parenthyl.carbridginer begging him to bring decency back to the flowering profession. Regardless, his act of self-absorption has certainly been a watershed for other flowers who feel pigeonholed by the flower industry. The American Association of Daisies has recently issued a statement urging all daisies to follow the flower’s lead and demand respect. Since the statement was made, several naturalists who have mistakenly wandered into daisy fields have been found dead the next day, crushed by the weight of the attention-hungry flowers.
Australia has since banned all flower imports from American and Japan.
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Written by Guest on 2004-03-27 20:36:49
That flower is pwn37
w00t! | Written by Guest on 2004-04-07 22:56:38
I think you/ve been locked to the internet too long!!! You sound nasturiumnuts!!!!! | Written by Guest on 2004-06-24 01:13:21
umm.. i dun no?
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