This is the first in a series of dialogues with God. —The Editors.

Dear God:

I have what seems an impossible desire: I want people to think I'm great, but I don’t want them to know exactly why, because then it would seem my greatness could—and eventually would—be open to debate. (My actual greatness of course is of no importance here. We’re talking strictly of perceptions.) So, is there a way for me to attain universally undeniable eternal greatness in the eyes of others? I figured you’d be the one to ask, even though there are atheists who might disagree with me.

Huzzah,

John Humphrey
Boston, Massachusetts

Dear John:

Yes, there is. Listen carefully.

You've already answered part of your own question: to make everyone perceive greatness in you, it's essential that you become a pervasively vague force. (No one can know why they feel the way they do about you.) To do this you'll need to construct around your empty self what I’ll refer to here as an air of mystery. It really isn’t that hard. Arrive at parties “fashionably late." Be slow in responding to e-mails. (By no means should you respond at all if you don’t absolutely need to.) Profess only moderate beliefs. In both conversation and writing, use terse, unadorned language. If you have one of those abominable Brahmin accents, which I sense you may, it’s imperative that you make an effort to speak instead according to Standard American English (the dialect that broadcasters use) and as clearly as possible. Affect excitement only in the vaguest and most banal ways: for instance, dryly declare ‘We’ll have an excellent time together’ or ‘I’m impressed with your work,’ instead of saying things like ‘Huzzah,’ which often smack of sinister designs. When you modify your outward behavior in this way, John, no one will be able to form that crucial first impression of you! With your frequent silence, though, you’ll make everyone figure you must be doing something vital to their survival. People have wonderful imaginations. Let them do the work. A combination of your laconic elegance and their untamed stupidity will make them presuppose an ineffable quality in you.

Thanks for your question, John. It’s been a pleasure working with you.

God

Comments

Genius! Written by Guest on 2004-04-15 15:58:45 That writing approached a level of profundity I, admittedly, could never achieve. Did you know Kerry took off the free hosting from his website?    Children sleeping, loving mice  --Beatles

yes Written by Guest on 2004-04-15 16:41:30 Was this composed for a class??!!!

Hmm, is this the G-d who promotes Humble Written by Guest on 2004-04-15 20:17:18 And yeah, D-ug, it sucks about the Kerry SITE. I totally told him to FOAD.    I finally saw Pather Panchali. It's pretty good, for an outsourced piece of sh-t.    Dear G-d, it's me,    David Lynch

Re: Mr. Kerry Written by Guest on 2004-04-15 21:23:26 At least he saves face with the Kerry House Party

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