Random House, a company that publishes mostly classic literature under over 40 names such as Seal, Knopf, Vintage, and Kids, has seen its stock plummet over the last couple of years, making the buyout an easy decision for StaticWares.  What surprises analysts, however, is that two such disparate companies should decide to merge.  Many feel that the unlikely, and potentially chaotic combination, could spell disaster.  A lack of focus, after all, is what analysts attribute to the stock’s recent slump.

Random House has experienced a steady decrease in customer loyalty over the years due to a sporadic release schedule.  Border’s manager Margaret Chinsley notes, “We were waiting for the next Harry Potter to come out, which they said was, like, a month ago, but it didn’t come out till yesterday, along with 100 other back-logged publications that they just piled up against our garage.”  Indeed, looking at history of book releases by the company will reveal a binge-and-purge cycle that has taken a toll on the quality of their product.  Added Margaret, “And Jesus Christ, you’d think they could do a better job with these things?!”  She held up a copy of Harry Potter in which several pages were paper-stapled at the end and crammed into the back cover.  One of those crinkled pages displayed an obviously ad hoc sketch of Harry Potter’s death. 

	An aboandoned workstation typical of Random House Inc.

The company’s release this week of John Grisham’s Blood Cycle also seemed hastily put together.  The book feels abbreviated at 52 pages, and ends abruptly at, “Staci knew that John would love her always, a fact.”  Readers hoping the epilogue will clear up the many un-developed themes of the novel will be sorely disappointed: there isn’t one.  At a recent new-fiction convention, fans of the law-themed novelist expressed outrage and disbelief that Grisham intended the published ending.  “I think it’s pretty obvious that Random House doesn’t have their sh*t together,” fumed one fanatic.  “I mean, really.”

In an effort to bring loyalty back to the company, Random House instituted several book clubs in major cities called, “RandomClubs.”  But these failed when no club could agree on an emphasis because it was against the by-laws to do so.  Former RandomClub enthusiast Susan Myer told reporters, “At first, the idea of a club in which a book was chosen at random every week sounded great.  Only it wasn’t.  No book satisfied anyone, so we just read our own books.  There really was no point after that.”  The clubs shut down last year when bookstores protested against them.  Chinsley reminisces on the matter, “I thought it would bring customers in.  But it was a problem for our image to have a group of flustered individuals read so aimlessly.  People come to a book store to focus their efforts, not dilute them.”

	Arrowcreme brings to Random House dedication, as exemplified by his strict quality control of dowels

Arrowcreme assures analysts, however, that focus is his number one priority.  “We know that Random House has a history of, shall we say, chaos and procrastination.  Maybe a little pathetic.  But we hope that by setting an example for them, osmosis will be on our side.”  But divisions between employees of the previous companies are as clear as ever.  Former StaticWares employees routinely complain that their new comrades can’t “keep up with the pace of today,” and are too easily frustrated “by the simplest things, like refilling the coffee maker.”  Indeed, a look into a shared office at StaticRandomInc will show a clear distinction between working styles. 

Investors fear that by merging with Random House, StaticWares is also acquiring unnecessary difficulties.  The fear is not surprising: Random House has been under scrutiny by the government lately for tax evasion.  For the last ten years, the company has filed for over 50 tax extensions, giving empty promises as excuses.  When the company was audited in 2001, it claimed immunity on basis of providing knowledge to the masses.  Surprisingly, the matter was never brought up again.  Arrowcreme revealed in an inner-company memo that he hopes it will stay that way.

So far, former Random House CEO Charlie McManIntyre has yet to comment.  When reporters attempted to inquire the director’s board of the former Random House, they were flummoxed by a telephone rerouting system that sent them ultimately to a distributor in Nigeria.  No one in Nigeria spoke English. 

Despite investors’ concern, Arrowcreme hopes to sweeten the deal by including a half-off coupon in every book for quarter-inch dowel rods.

Comments

Hmmm... Written by Guest on 2004-04-16 08:18:10 Random House is a subsidiary of Bertelsmann AG (German, of course - you know, BMG). I believe that it's a privately held outfit.    Anyway!    I agree that Random House is a crappy name for any company, Nazi based or not.

Tomorrow Written by admin on 2004-04-16 10:19:18 When will I find true happiness?

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