This is the second in a series of dialogues with God. —The Editors.

Dear God:

They say absolute power corrupts absolutely, but I have to disagree.  I think that with power I could lead a genuine life of just, fatherly control.  But there are huge obstacles to becoming a powerful figure!  For one, you have to rely tremendously on luck, and second, I don’t have any of the qualities that lend themselves to a powerful figure.  Maybe that’s why, with the exclusion of myself (because I haven’t been given the opportunity yet), power selects only those individuals that will be corrupted by it.  Holy moly, I’ve found myself in a loop.  Please, God, how do I obtain power and rule justly?

Your obedient sycophant,
Craig Milfreeg

Dear Craig.

I can help.  Listen carefully.

Before you can assume a role of power, you first have to create the image of power in the minds of others.  It really isn’t that hard.  Make a big deal about your grassroots origins, so that any accomplishment, no matter how small, gives you a god-like presence.  If you hear the people around you saying, “Oh my God, how’d he do that from scratch!?” (even if it such admiration is unwarranted) you know you are doing a good job.  Take credit for other people’s achievements in which you have only played a peripheral role, and for that matter, take a peripheral role in everything that happens.  You can accomplish this easily by sending provocative emails to your friends that encourage them in the most general ways, so you can later claim to be the original “idea man.”  Those claims are very difficult to diffuse.  And if someone fails miserably, they probably won’t even remember you.  It’s great, how that works. 

Now here’s the important part.  Create around you an air of mystery that makes you inscrutable to those below you, but relatively unthreatening to your superiors.  Don’t introduce yourself as a sycophant; it just makes people feel sorry for you.  Choose something more ambiguous, like “Sincerely” or “Respectfully [sic] yours.”  Better yet, don’t give any salutation at all.  As you ascend that ladder of life, you can then slowly resolve a concrete image of just fatherliness that will take everyone by surprise.  And don’t worry, I agree with you full-heartedly; you are incorruptible.  

Thanks for your input, Craig.  It’s been a pleasure working with you.

God

Comments

I would praise the Lord Written by Guest on 2004-04-17 18:19:09 Only, I don't know how. Oh, really? Well, then because I'm too lazy. Oh? Maybe I don't really want to praise the Lord, after all.

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