In a land so fashion-hungry and terribly dry, the frivolous waste of water has become a symbol of luxury.  Fountains can prove outrageous costs to their owners, so the rich display them with pride.  But you can’t walk around with a fountain, and anyone can take a picture and claim it their own.  To ensure an accurate account of one’s financial status in the civilized desert, Los Angelians have learned to wear their precious water on themselves.  It’s ritzy, it sexy, and it’s all the new wave in fashion.

“My husband is so sexy,” noted one trophy wife on the streets of Beverly Hills.  “Oh, I just want to feel his wet self all over.”  She then licked moisture off her husband of 6-foot two to his obvious delight.  That was her Friday night dinner.

One of the unforeseen benefits of dousing yourself with water every 20 minutes is that it helps your clothes cling to your skin.  With a city of men bearing sizeable pecks, this can be extremely alluring to the opposite sex.

Along with the allure, the added revealing of the masculine body has encouraged a new economy of wearable torso elements.  One entrepreneur, Micheal Bower, who has taken a hold of the fad, started Manly Pecks Unlimited, a chain of retail stores in malls throughout southern California.  They specialize in strappable abs, adhesive pecks the size of baseballs, and for their most financially comfortable customers, a whole strap-on torso.  “The great thing about these is,” notes Bower, “is that that no one has to see that they’re fake.  Sure, you clothes reveal your new abs in all their shapely glory, but no one has to take off your shirt to know that they came with no effort at all!”  He also insisted that reporters feel the abs for themselves, noting their life-like rock-hardness.

The fad has also made the jump to New York City, where Manly Pecks Unlimited has been garnering its greatest sales.  Young Jewish bachelors searching for hot chicks can always be found with several 5-gallon jugs of Arrowhead water on their sides, ready for the right moment.  The water also acts as a great coolant in the summer months.

But in the winter months, and in upstate New York, the fad is whole different story.  Several men have been missing in the last week, showing up days later in snowdrifts, frozen to death in giant blocks of ice along with their jugs of water.  As was documented by local artist Eugene Grey, the desire to look sexy—and wet!—can prove a motivation stronger than self-survival.

“You’d be amazed by what these men will do,” Eugene begins the fifteen-minute documentary airing on TLC at 8pm.  “Right before they leave their apartments and enter 20-degree weather, they will take a quick shower with their clothes on and walk to work, even when they’ve always driven.  And each time the current layer of water on them freezes, they just pour on a new one.  I’ve seen men accumulate 5 inches in twenty minutes in the process.  It stops, of course, when their dousing arm freezes, too.  But by that point, they’re usually dead.  It’s a sorry sight.” The documentary also shows some of the fatal footage.  At one point in the video, Grey weeps into the microphone, displaying a shameless shame most audiences won’t be able to handle. 

This twist on the fad surprises fashion analysts because the desire to bear water has no intrinsic meaning in New York, where water is plentiful and the behavior is terribly self-detrimental.  “I can only guess that once they see it on the O.C., they gotta copy it,” noted producer of the O.C. Larry McManaugh.  The O.C. sets a television precedent by having three-fourths of its male cast completely wet in every scene.  Its producers have also signed on a lucrative product-placement contract with Pepsi and its Aquafina line of fine waters. 

In the heart of the Midwest, however, the self-dousing phenomenon has not caught on quite yet.  Like all fashion fads before it, this one catches on at the coasts and moves into the heartland of America like a bacteria culture moving in on its agar prey.  One student at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio, the most backwards town in America when it comes to fashion, notes, “I have no desire to get wet, and neither do my friends.  We just don’t get it.”  Oh, but they will, when they are washed over with the bacteria of fashion.

As the fad moves on into Ohio, Los Angelians have been growing tired of their daily drudge of water.  “It gets tiresome,” admits one wealthy resident who has since hired water-bodyguards to accompany him at all times and douse him when needed.  “I just want to be free!” 

	Tom Cruise has never been sexier

In fact, the fad has recently felt the back swing of the pendulum in Los Angeles, and dryness is back three-fold.  While it was always cool to be dry before the recent fad, now fashion dictates a dryness intolerable by the human body.  The latest issue of Maxim touches on this paradox with its headline, “When Wet Met Dry Guy,” wherein its writers interview stars on the wildly contradictory responses they’ve had to being wet and being dry.  Tom Cruise notes, “When I was sopping wet, some women just went nuts over me, and when I was parched it was just the same.  But whenever I was moderately hydrated, I became the biggest nerd in town.”  The star has been in the hospital four times in the last month with kidney failure.

This new counter-fashion has become so severe in parts of town that some citizens have suffered terrible skin lesions from wind-erosion.  In response, several suburbs have erected giant wind-breakers to spare themselves.  This all occurs as fears mount about the exponentially rising number of missing people, thought now to exist in the dust devils of the Sierra Madre.  We at happyembryo.com, like all Americans, will pray for their souls, parched or sopping.  God bless them!

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