Saturday, 08 May 2004
 When R.C. Atkins set out his revolutionary diet that encouraged eating steak and cheese while still allowing dieters to lose the extra pounds, he had no idea that it would become a pop-culture phenomenon. His book “The New Diet Revolution” has been cited in numerous journals and he has been considered for a Nobel Prize. Now more than ever his famed low-flavor diet has taken a grip on society and squeezed it of all its taste and desire. Officials of the FDA are rapturous. As one announcement notes, “It became apparent to us [the FDA] that the root of the obesity problem in the United States wasn’t fat or salt, not even carbohydrates. It was simply the scrumptiousness of food that caused people to gain massive amounts of weight.” While talking on the Today show, an FDA representative pointed to testimonials in which people eating themselves to death complain that the food was “too good to let go.” He encouraged viewers not be “wastrels” and gorge instead on paper and high-fiber energy bars.
But the wide-spread adoption of Atkins philosophy extends beyond the government. “We have to stop all these flavorful forays into the market,” warns food expert Richard T. Riley. “If you’re looking for a weapon of mass destruction, look no further than new Lays’ Flavor-Bursting BBQ-Ranch potato chips. They’re irresistible! And they’re gonna kill us all.”
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A new campaign for the Atkins diet as advertised in 'Highlights' magazine |
Circles in the Catholic Church have also advocated the low-flavor diet. “Asceticism has been the way of life for healthy monks for millennia,” wrote the Pope in a paper dated Sept. 1987. Added John Paul II, “That’s where the nuns went wrong.”
George Foreman has made millions on the diet plan with his famed “George Foreman Food Procecessor.” While its mechanisms are a heavily-guarded secret, it’s suggested that thought a barrage of chemical reactions, vacuum sucking, and other processes, it can efficiently suck the life out of food and with it, its flavor. Because no one can confirm if it uses heated elements, the procecessors have boomed in college dormitories where toasters and irons have been banned.
At grocery stores the effects of the diet are evident. Most common foods like breads, soups, milk, sodas, and microwave dinners now have Atkins-friendly equivalents. These undelectible delights have begun to account for a sizeable fraction of all grocery sales. Ponders one Ralphs manager, “If only they could come out with flavorless produce.”
His plea hasn’t fallen on deaf ears. Genetic engineers have started experimenting with plant DNA in an attempt to strip natural-growing fruits and vegetables from rewarding their consumers with taste. New flavorless versions of corn have strained relationships between America and the European Union, where there currently remains a ban on all GMO produce. US representatives hope to sway European resistors by smothering their culture with pictures of thin, beautiful women.
Several thousand Americans have learned to swear by the diet’s strict regulations; namely, the elimination of as much flavor as possible from the menu. Some recipe suggestions from Atkins’ include “Tofu, with no marinade whatsoever,” “Dried carrots and green beans,” and Atkins-friendly “Steak-shaped Styrofoam®.” Fast food chains like Burger King and McDonald’s have added Atkins-friendly items to their menu in an attempt to lure health-conscious customers. At Subway, for the mere addition of 50 cents, workers can take any pre-made sub and feed it through a Foreman Procecessor rendering it bland and tasteless.
In his book, Atkins put the sentiment sweeping the nation in elegant terms: “Variety is the spice of life that gives it all its flavor—Avoid at all costs.” Only registered users can write comments.
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